I'll admit it—spending a holiday weekend tiptoeing around political discussions at the dinner table left me both exhausted and inspired. Exhausted, because let’s be real, navigating those conversations without losing my cool was a damn-near miracle. Inspired, because it sparked a thought:
What does it really take to set and hold effective boundaries?
Whether you’re trying to dodge a heated debate with Uncle Carl or deflect a last-minute request from your boss on your holiday break, we all find ourselves in situations where setting a boundary feels like a delicate balancing act. We don't want to burn bridges, but at the same time, we have our own limits to protect. The key is finding that middle ground, where you can hold a firm boundary without sacrificing the quality of your relationships.
Here’s the boundary-setting advice I give to my clients:
1. Identify and validate their motivation.
Before reacting to someone's request or behavior, pause and try to understand the underlying motivation. What’s driving them to ask for your time, attention, or compliance? Maybe your colleague is requesting last-minute help because they’re overwhelmed with tasks, or perhaps Uncle Carl is pushing his point because he feels passionate about an issue. By understanding their motivation, you can respond with empathy instead of frustration. Once you’ve identified the reason behind their request, validate their desire - rather than focusing on the specific request – and create space for a compassionate conversation. This approach prevents defensive or confrontational language and helps maintain a respectful, positive tone in the relationship.
2. Set and be firm with boundaries that dictate your own behavior.
Boundaries are about controlling your actions, not the actions of others. It's important to differentiate between telling someone what they can or cannot do and simply setting clear limits on how you will respond. By focusing on what you are willing to do - or not do - you avoid the trap of trying to control others while still protecting your own needs and well-being. Keep your boundary-setting brief and to the point without overexplaining. The goal is to assert your limits clearly and respectfully, without feeling the need to justify yourself in lengthy detail. This way, you maintain control of your time and energy without unnecessarily complicating the conversation.
3. Let them know what you’re willing to do instead.
Rather than just saying no, offer a solution that still helps meet the other person’s goals while honoring your own limits. By offering an alternative, you show that you’re willing to collaborate without compromising your values or needs. This helps maintain goodwill, which is crucial in professional settings, where teamwork and cooperation are key.
4. Be prepared to enforce your boundaries consistently.
The quickest way to undermine boundary setting is to be inconsistent with your enforcement. Setting a boundary once is not enough - you must be willing to enforce it consistently. This doesn’t mean being rigid or unkind, but it does mean standing firm in your commitment to yourself. Consistency is key to ensuring your boundaries are respected in the long run, whether in personal or professional relationships. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, reinforcing your limits every time they are tested will make it easier for others to understand and respect them.
So, what does this sound like at work?
Let’s say you’ve been working on a team responsible for pushing a difficult project over the finish line, and your boss sends an urgent email asking you to work over the weekend to keep the project running on schedule. Although you want to be seen as a team player, you’re unwilling to sacrifice your personal time to accommodate your boss’ request. Here’s what setting a relationship-oriented boundary might sound like:
“I understand the importance of this project finishing on time, and I am here to support the team in accomplishing this important goal. While I’m unable to commit personal time, I would be willing to come in early on Monday morning and work with the team on a revised strategy to keep things on schedule. I’ll have it on your desk for approval by EOD. How does that sound to you?”
In this scenario, you hold a boundary and offer alternatives to ensure that you protect your limits while honoring the initial desire behind the request. It is a masterful way of holding firm while keeping your partnership with your boss in one piece.
Listen, boundary-setting has been hijacked by too many people who misuse this tool of self-protection to attempt to control and micromanage others. Setting boundaries is not about creating conflict, pushing people away, or getting your way at the expense of everyone around you. It’s about approaching requests with empathy, clarity, and consistency, you can preserve the integrity of your professional and personal partnerships without compromising your own wellbeing. Remember: boundaries are an essential part of self-care, and when communicated thoughtfully, they can strengthen relationships, build mutual respect, and help you lead a more balanced, fulfilling life.
So next time you’re faced with a tricky situation, try to find that middle ground: set your boundary, offer alternatives, and stay consistent. Your relationships, your sanity, and your Uncle Carl will thank you.
Danielle Terranova is the voice behind Leadership Lessons with Danielle.
She has been an executive coach since 2015 and owner of Terranova Consulting, LLC since 2019.