Over ten years of coaching executives has taught me that most of us fall into one of two camps when it comes to our communication style preferences.
In one camp, we have my professional brethren who don’t mince words. They are direct, candid with difficult feedback, and willing to voice unpopular opinions. While they are honest and willing to confront performance issues head-on, they tend to sacrifice relationships for results. Their communication style is so direct that they seem insensitive to the needs and feelings of those around them. They hurt feelings easily and wonder why everyone around them is so sensitive.
In the other camp, we have colleagues who communicate with tact, sensitivity, and empathy. They are perceptive of office politics, careful with their words, and show a keen understanding of the needs and feelings of others. Although they excel at maintaining high-quality relationships, their results can suffer because they shy away from uncomfortable conversations and wait too long to address performance issues.
If you think back to when you first joined the workforce, you probably identified strongly with one of these communication styles. However, as we mature and experience the consequences of strongly adhering to a particular communication style, we learn to soften or sharpen our approach to get along with more people.
The question is, where is that sweet spot in the middle where we can give honest feedback and hold people accountable while also maintaining the quality of our partnerships by speaking with sensitivity?
Key Strategies for Effective Communication
Seek to understand before you intervene
You might get tired of hearing me say it, but there is no communication competency more important than asking questions to ensure you understand the full issue before deciding how to respond.
Too many of us get into relationship trouble because we react quickly instead of ensuring everyone’s cards are on the table first. Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions, get people talking, and make sure all relevant information is out in the open before you decide what you want to say and how.
Climb molehills instead of mountains
Sensitive communicators may think they’re doing colleagues a favor by accumulating incidents and waiting for enough evidence of a clear problem before addressing it. But here’s the thing: when we bury someone under a mountain of evidence of wrongdoing, they usually react in one of two ways. They either acquiesce and resent you or get defensive and come out swinging. Either way, you damage the relationship you were hoping to preserve.
Instead, address issues early when you first suspect things are headed in the wrong direction. Speak to your professional hunches and give colleagues the chance to correct small issues before they grow into bigger problems.
Don’t identify problems without partnering on solutions
Direct communicators are great at sounding the alarm when there is an issue and holding people accountable, but they can fall short when it comes to co-creating solutions to address performance deficits.
If you have tough feedback to give, spend the bulk of the conversation strategizing improvements. Sit on the same side of the metaphorical table, offer support, and communicate your confidence in a colleague’s ability to get things back on track.
Make plenty of relationship deposits
Every relationship is like a bank account, and the strong ones have more deposits than withdrawals. Whether you are the best communicator or the worst, focus some professional effort on building strong partnerships with colleagues to withstand those inevitable relationship withdrawals.
While social activities can be fun ways to build superficial connections, the most meaningful connections are forged when we go a little deeper. When we show a sincere interest in understanding a challenge or struggle important to someone else and offer support, and when we are vulnerable and ask for a colleague’s help, we create deep, meaningful connections that can endure communication style differences.
Listen, if solving communication style differences were easy, I probably wouldn’t have a job. We react strongly to those who do not share our communication style preferences and falter under leaders who are too direct or too sensitive. Using these strategies, we can close the communication divides that often plague our partnerships at work and move toward a comfortable middle ground where we can be tough but compassionate at the same time.
You’ve got this.
Danielle Terranova is the voice behind Leadership Lessons with Danielle.
She has been an executive coach since 2015 and owner of Terranova Consulting, LLC since 2019.
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