Do you have aspects of your personality you’re not particularly proud of? If I’m being completely honest, one of my more unattractive traits is my remarkable ability to end up disappointed.
Hyped new restaurants, luxury hotel rooms in paradise, TV shows that everyone's watching... My mind inevitably goes to the lack of vegetarian options on the menu, the room’s unfortunate proximity to the elevator, and the fact the "hot" new show is taking forever to get to an interesting plot line.
In fact, the higher my expectations are set, the better the likelihood I’m going to end up supremely disappointed.
Have I learned nothing from my professional crush, Brené Brown, who reminds us that expectations are resentments waiting to happen?
I know better, yet I fall into the trap of disappointment every time my elevated expectations and reality diverge.
It’s a perfect example of when our virtues become vices. 👇🏻
Some of us have an elevated ability to visualize potential in people, processes, and things. We get excited about possibilities, and for better or worse, high expectations usually come along with the territory of realizing unmet potential.
Why?
Because our high expectations represent the bridge between what is and what could be. In a sense, high expectations become the pathway to turn a compelling vision for the future into a reality. The more compelling the vision, the higher the expectations become.
However, this visionary gift becomes a professional liability when we become hyper-focused on the deficits between our high expectations and the reality of a given situation.
We lose perspective, focus on the negative, and end up tragically disappointed when the reality of obstacles, setbacks, and unintended consequences set in. Our disappointment not only prevents us from enjoying what we have, but also breeds resentment from those around us who start to feel like nothing they do will ever be good enough.
Hands up if you know what I’m talking about 🙋🏻♀️
So, how can my fellow professionals with high expectations walk the fine line between holding a compelling vision for what’s possible and avoiding the pitfalls of unrealistic expectations that end in resentment for everyone involved?
Key Strategies to Keep High Expectations From Ruining Your Relationships
Silence Isn’t Golden
The worst kind of high expectations aren’t just the ones that go unmet; they’re the ones that go unspoken. Nothing breeds resentment faster than assumed alignment on expectations that were left unsaid.
When you have high expectations, it’s your responsibility to express them clearly and early. Being transparent not only avoids miscommunication but also creates opportunities for collaboration. When everyone knows the goal and agrees on the path to get here, there’s less room for frustration and disappointment. Remember, unspoken expectations are the seeds of future resentment. Be proactive—communicate early and often to align everyone with your vision for the future.
Be Selective With Your Crazy
High expectations are only useful when they’re realistic and inspiring, not overwhelming. If others feel your expectations are unattainable, they can quickly lose motivation and might even disengage. That’s why it’s crucial to prioritize.
Limit your high expectations to just two or three non-negotiables. Be clear on what really matters and do what you can to be flexible with the rest. Collaborating with your team or colleagues on the best methods to reach goals ensures they feel involved and empowered. The result? You’ll build trust and avoid the impression of having impossible standards no one can reach.
No Catastrophizing
When things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to slip into a cycle of negativity and assume everything is going to fall apart. I call this catastrophizing, and it’s something many of us are guilty of (and yes, I may have invented the term).
Instead of spiraling into disappointment, take a metaphorical step back and zoom out to see the bigger picture. A bump in the road isn’t the end of the journey toward the potential you envision. When you view setbacks as just part of the process, they become more manageable. Paradise is still paradise, even if your hotel room is near the ice machine. It’s all about perspective.
Accepting What Is
There’s an old mantra that’s served me well when I remember to use it - accept what is, focus on what you can control, and let go of the rest.
Not everything will meet your expectations, and that’s okay. Professionals with a growth mindset know that the gap between expectation and reality isn’t a dead-end — it’s a chance to learn and adapt. Instead of getting stuck in disappointment, use it as fuel to refine your vision and turn obstacles into opportunities. Shift your energy from frustration to problem-solving, and you’ll find you’re far more resilient than you realized.
Listen, I have had enough experience with chronic disappointment to know that there are times when my high expectations are working for me, and plenty of times when they’re not.
My utter faith in unrealized potential is what makes me good at my job!
But when my expectations become impossibly high, disappointment, frustration and resentment are the inevitable outcomes. I’ve had to learn to walk the fine line between holding an inspiring vision for what’s possible and recognizing reality in the journey along the way.
When things don’t go according to the vision we hold dear, it’s not a failure. It’s a chance to learn, adjust and keep moving forward. At the end of the day, high expectations are only powerful when they are paired with some self-awareness, humility and a growth mindset.
Dream as big as your heart will allow, but be kind to yourself and others along the way. You’ll be amazed at what you can achieve without the burden of disappointment and unnecessary resentment weighing you down. You’ve got this.
Danielle Terranova is the voice behind Leadership Lessons with Danielle.
She has been an executive coach since 2015 and owner of Terranova Consulting, LLC since 2019.
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